9 Classic Signs You Have Toxic Parents | Abusive Parenting And Nurturing

I was born and brought up in a middle-class family. I am their first-born so didn’t have elder siblings. So, growing up was quite peaceful in a way that I had lots of toys to play and some friends nearly of my age from neighborhood to pass my idle time. I am talking about the time when I didn’t join the school yet.

My mom would perform all ‘motherly’ duties such as feeding me food, giving in to my childish demands, and so on. She wasn’t much into beatings, just occasional scolding. Keep in mind that she did beat me at times, possibly because she would get too tired to listen or notice, or I might have been too stubborn to deserve that. My mother has always been a homemaker and my father has been the sole breadwinner. He had taken care of all of his children like he should. I was their first, followed by two more of my younger siblings who followed after 5 and 11 years of my birth.

My dad knew how to change nappies; he would also sponge us children when we had fever. Moreover, he would consult doctors too to make sure his kids never missed any treatment or medications. I had malaria a few times when I was somewhere around 3 years old. My younger sister had typhoid once when she was about 7 years old. He also ensured that he earned well so that we never face any financial difficulty or missed quality education.

Yet there were times quite often when dad’s tantrums were more like horrendous rage, sometimes privately, other times at public spots. My anxieties, as far as I can recall right from when I was 2 years old and knew to speak our native tongue, would pump my heartbeats faster and I would cry excessively. There were strict warnings to not make noise at all while crying else his anger would escalate even more. I would weep for longer and nobody cared.

I learned how to hide while still sobbing and that affected me even in my teenage years and early adulthood. I was too embarrassed and scared to confront him ever, especially at public places. For being insulted in front of people I became resentful over the years. Though it is not there at present as I have grown past those incidences and understand human behavior more precisely. But the point is that such attitude is termed as downright toxic. I am sure that many Indian adults can relate, though not many would recognize that as abuse and likely shun that with an excuse of “love”. If somebody truly loves their child, they wouldn't manipulate them into doing stuff. Mature parenting knows enough boundaries.

"Attachment holds, love frees!"

Many households around the world contain such parents that have certain sets of practices which hinders a child’s mental and emotional growth. One thing I want to clarify is, you should be able to recognize the difference between toxic parenting and parenting that have issues but there is a room to improvise by taking responsibility.

Following are the signs you have toxic parents. Keep in mind that not all of these characteristics need to be had, nevertheless, few of these traits could be helpful for you to identify.

Signs you have toxic parents

1. They drink alcohol excessively: Consuming alcohol isn’t bad if done in limits and occasionally. However, if one or both of your parents cannot keep themselves away from booze even for a day or two then that is a problem. Understand that it is a severe addiction that requires active efforts from the involved parties if they really care to quit. Else as a child you will have to tolerate their drama on a daily basis. It can go to any extent from shouting to physical assault to whoever comes their way. Generally, it’s the spouses who fight but it can take a serious toll on a child’s health as well as they witness everything.

Also, you may end up becoming alcoholic yourself OR develop a strong loathing towards all kinds of alcohol. As adults, children of alcoholics also struggle with self-esteem, get afraid of high pitch noises, and do not understand healthy boundaries. There are more symptoms of Complex (PTSD) trauma that you can Google. You can also go to a psychiatrist or psychologist to pinpoint things and resolve mental matters at present.

2. They are emotionally unavailable: Do you notice that you have nothing to complain as you have food on the table and plenty of finances yet you feel that you don’t feel connected to your parents? This is because they don’t comprehend with your situation and possibly wouldn’t even listen what you have a say on several matters. If you need their support to just be there whenever you feel down or depressed, they are simply not there despite they know that you are suffering. They may also give you useless advices that are not helpful such as “get over with it”, or comment like “you are grown up to make it a big deal”, “don’t act like a child”, “learn to be a strong person”, and so on. This is because they completely disregard your feelings that are meant to be just human.

3. They expect you to act, dress, or behave in a certain way: Have you noticed if parents have two or more daughters, they are likely going to validate the one who is a sweet-talker, looks prettier and active, and puts on make-up and high heel shoes. Why? Because our society is designed in such a way that only girlish and fragile appearance is given more weightage not the tom boy or anything less. It is not uncommon that a mother might ask her daughter to copy the ways her another daughter dresses-up because she wants that all of her daughters should be beautiful which is subjective. Even in career aspects, such parents applaud those children who are over achievers and make the most money. So, they want all of their children should mark that standard, which isn’t practical.

Another example can be that of those children who struggle with gender identity disorder, or whose gender expressions are quite different than standardized norms. Parents who are in denial that there can be gender outside of gender-binary and that their child should act and dress labelled “normal” are also termed as abusive since they are not being supportive of their child’s peculiar needs.

4. They pick a favorite child of theirs which is Not You: I am not convinced that parents love all of their children equally. I may be confused between like and love. Certainly, the treatment needs to be different due to different wants and needs and I am not complaining about lame mom-hugged-her-more. I am specifying that some parents are just ridiculously biased towards their one child. Does not matter if it's you or not, favoritism is just NOT cool. This particular child isn’t even physically or mentally handicapped who has special needs. They are just labelled as “best” for the rest of their life. They get frequent validation, total physical and emotional support, and the most of the finances. One can easily notice how parents can’t even listen minutest criticism against that child and enable bad behavior within them over the years.

On the other hand, their other child(ren) can just beat around the bush thinking naively that they don’t deserve that attention because they aren’t good or smart enough. The one who is neglected finally accepts the hard pill that it is never going to change and that their own child too would get similar treatments compared to the favorite child’s child.

5. They criticize you often and appreciate you seldom: Criticism and appreciation have to have the right amount of balance while dealing with children. Appreciation is required when they do something good. For instance, they helped somebody, or scored good grades. Criticism is needed when they don’t mind their language or bully somebody or break the rules.

Abusive parents do not follow this exact protocol. They are habitual of finding faults in quite much everything. For instance, if their child wants to study late at night the parents wouldn’t allow; or the child wants to practice for football tournament but the parents would want him to learn a musical instrument. They would even beat the child for failing in a test but wouldn’t compliment if the child scored the highest marks. Such children eventually keep pleasing their parents for many more years just to get that much awaited validation but they don’t ever.

Additionally, we cannot deny the reality that some children are highly unfortunate to be born in a criminal background where survival is their only objective until they reach adulthood. This leads to forever victimized and vulnerable adults, possible sociopathy, and strained relationship between parents and children forever, the bond which is supposed to emotionally thrive becomes so scarred that nothing can repair.

"My dad raped me and mom suggested to keep my mouth shut instead of fighting for my justice."

6. They comment negatively on your appearance and/or failure: I had once read that Hollywood actress Jennifer Anniston didn’t have good relation with her parents. She was not in speaking terms with her mother for several years and didn’t even invite her in one of her marriages. The reason was, her mother always condemned her appearance and thought she wasn’t fit for being an actress. The criticism was always there and Jen thought she wasn’t good enough in her early years. Just like that, J. K. Rowling wasn’t in good terms with her father after her mother’s death since he wasn’t kind to the family. Even actors can have a history of difficult childhood.

This holds true for all children. If someone says to a child for a number of years that they suck at everything and that they don’t have worth, that child believes in those statements for a very long time until they introspect and make logical conclusions much later. This is one of the classic signs that you have toxic parents if they follow the same league as mentioned.

7. They repeat similar patterns that you do not like and continue anyway: Let’s assume that you somehow managed to confront them in a hope to finally open the communication channel. You might have said to your dad that it offends you when he yells at you at public places so he should not repeat that and that you would be open to his criticism in private. He agrees and then yells again the next time, and again, and again. Or maybe he is always in denial mode. Certainly, he is not willing to make amendments. This is one of the greatest signs that you have toxic parents – not empathizing with your feelings at all, so no alteration in their behavior.

8. They don’t want to take liability of their actions: This is a situation in which the parents are unwilling to take any responsibility even if they clearly are at fault. I have seen and read instances in which some caregivers beat the sh*t out of their children quite regularly. Definitely they don’t see that action as an issue but it surely is. Apart from that, you can also consider the above points that such caregivers do and never introspect within to take responsibility.

9. They expect you to validate them and the society: There are many norms that one is expected to follow. For instance, an arrange marriage. This type of marriage is usually done within the same religion and caste and only be accomplished if the parents approve. Going against such norm can bring “dishonor” and might lead to break all family ties, or worse, honor killing.

It literally translates to – You are worthy of love only if you do stuff that make us and everyone happy.

It’s funny (pun intended) to know that it doesn’t cause them trouble if their daughter sleeps with a stranger if they have a legal contract in place. They wouldn’t even hesitate to instruct her to tolerate non-sense for the rest of her life despite the stranger might also abuse or assault her. This is what brings them honor, and this is what we call toxic parenting.

No, just because a couple delivers a biological child of their own, they are not entitled to make their decisions once the child reaches adulthood. It requires great deal of maturity to consider their children as separate human beings who can have different ideas, identities, behavior, and perspectives.

You would often come across people who would say to you to become a parent first and then judge because it's challenging to raise children and you cannot understand their stance unless you enter the parenthood. First, I know such parents who had issues in their childhood, complained about the same, and still complain even after having a child of their own. Second, if you can judge a television series or a movie without actually being a director or a producer, why cannot childless people judge about parenting? Everyone has a right to express opinions.

There are literally different kinds of children if you look around. Some are more sensitive, others have special needs due to physical or mental disabilities; some are too active, others too passive and lazy. Do you really think that if you raise one type of child will solve the mystery of raising all kinds of kids? Yeah, sure some of your tactics worked for your kid, but it may not work for another. Stop being know-it-all kind of person!

But here is a thing. Abusive people themselves were at a receiving end during their childhood which is why they become so toxic. Understand that if your parents behave in such ways, they were wounded children (possibly by their own parents and/or surroundings) who turned adults without properly processing their emotions.

Another possible reason could be, they weren’t mentally and financially prepared to take care of you so ended up to throw their tantrums upon you. Many couples have strained relationship. Some of them even get separated and occupied with all financial burden, and might not even be ready to get pregnant but delivered the child anyway. It’s natural of them to behave in a certain way as they aren’t as aware as you. Parents are just human beings and not gods as some traditions portray them to be. Just as there are good people and bad people, parents can be either too.

It’s a difficult journey. I wouldn’t suggest you to cut all contacts since it is an individual choice. It’s all up to you depending on what relationship you have with them. If you think they cannot see through and don’t listen at all, go for it! As a child, it is natural of you to hate yourself for being in such surroundings. Children, when they grow up, retaliate in their own ways. They may end up having unexplained rage, being toxic, have relationship issues, can have substance abuse, and be highly depressed and suicidal.

I am not a psychiatrist. I just observe human mannerisms and read stuff to comprehend with things in general. So, my advice would be to train your mind to forgive yourself for your parents' past behavior as it wasn’t your fault, they were simply not in the right state of mind. Forgive yourself for any decision you make at present as you are not alone and parental abuse is quite prevalent in the world.

Seek psychotherapy, if need be, keep a journal, mediate or pray, exercise, listen to music, or whatever makes you relaxed. Have a positive self-talk right before you go to sleep, things like what your small achievement was today, and appreciate the baby steps you take. Tell yourself that it is not the end of the world and love yourself more each day. It might take some weeks or months but know that it gets better, dealing with your psyche!