Your Feelings Are Valid! What is Toxic Positivity Everything You Need To Know

Going through positive messages and motivational quotes has been the norm lately in the digital world. The moment we feel gloomy we just want to search for something that boosts our mood. Even I open images that contain quotations from Bhagwad Gita whenever I feel a little anxious and stressed out. It’s not that bad actually. We don’t want to just dwell on something that is unproductive and isn’t going to serve us any good, sooner or later. In fact, this is the right way to trick our brains to remain focused on the present instead of worrying too much about what has already happened and what’s ahead of us.

But what if there is an episode that occurred to you and is tremendously bothering you? For instance, someone who is very close to you is neglecting you and you are quite certain about it, OR a relative has been mistreating your daughter for years just because she is a girl child. Yup, that story isn’t rare in India. I have heard a few times. Though my point is, you felt annoyed and you cannot get over with these incidences.

Toxic Positivity - Everything you need to know

Any other person who preaches about positivity will tell you that letting go of such miniature tragedies is the best solution, forgiving is strength, ignore everything, blah, blah! This is where we enter into the dynamics of toxic positivity.

What is Toxic Positivity?

When the rest of the world forces someone to not express their vulnerability and remain happy despite the situation. Extending the above-mentioned examples, why wouldn’t someone feel gravely misunderstood if their close friend suddenly stops talking to them even if they aren’t at fault OR why wouldn’t a mother hurt if her innocent child is being bullied or ignored for no logical reason for years? Aren’t these conditions not enough to not be upset? Definitely not forever, but at least for a while! Why not let people decide when is the right time for them to actually move on?

These random incidences can happen to anyone and everyone who experiences something negative have the right to express their emotions, feel listened to, and validated. Moreover, each and every one of us has different ways of expressing ourselves. Some people cry, others don’t as they really feel too embarrassed to express. And some people just label others as being “too sensitive” for simply talking about it. Isn’t that the most human thing to do? Are we heading towards acting like robots in this day and age of machine learning?

We read stories about people how they overcame poverty or rape, and these are indeed motivating but do we really empathise with their situation like how many months or years did they take to finally reach there? No, we simply concentrate on the final result. We perceive it in this way – If she can do it, I can do it too. My problems aren’t that bigger than hers anyway! Here is where you are discrediting yourself. Sure, an XYZ’s issues could be dire than yours but are you allowing yourself enough to process it as XYZ did? Certainly not. You did not give your troubles enough credit to think deeper and to actually fix them. You thought your issues weren’t worth mentioning and you skipped them.

What do you think how would the end result be? These seemingly minor problems will pile up in your psyche subconsciously. The result? In the future, you won’t be able to identify why you feel so drained despite holding on to your “productive” side. You may begin to shut your emotions completely and disregard others' reactions as well. You may also get irritated frequently without apparent reason.

Human brains are wired to remember negative experiences. For instance, if a teacher humiliated you in your primary school, you WILL remember it. Have you read about mass shootings in schools in the US occurred in different intervals/years? These were the students who avenged against their bullies. Why did they take such a significant step and chose to hold grudges? Certainly, the involved people never sorted this out and hence the submerged anger. They held their agitation for years, didn’t get to talk about it, or sought therapy. This is how they expressed. Certainly, not everyone turns out to be murderers, and my reasoning doesn’t conclude that I support such actions. Nevertheless, you ought to express well before you reach a stage where finding out the source of your real problem becomes near to impossible.

Lastly, if someone says that they are upset about a relative’s bad behaviour or their spouse’s terminal illness, do not say to “get over” with it or “look at the bright side”. Instead, listen to them and let them feel validated. Tell them that they are strong enough to handle the situation whichever it may be and you are there to comfort them. Remember that they will still “deal with it” without anybody’s support but some words of encouragement fuel the fire and they will remember you for that.