What is Love? Understanding The Red Flags in Relationships : Love vs Unhealthy Attachment

What is Love?

The question “What is love?” brings me back to childhood memories of the Bollywood film Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. Who asks this question in an educational institution anyway!

But I agree with their stance that Love is friendship. The plot was illogical though in how they tried to convey that narrative. But, if you want a long-term romantic association with somebody, friendship is the best bet. Whenever you ask someone about their first love, they’d probably tell you about their first crush, the one with whom they started obsessing over, ‘love at first sight’, or something similar.

This is because it is common to get confused between infatuation, attachment, and love. Plenty of people don’t know what the differences between terms - love, attachment, infatuation, admiration, affection, attraction, obsession - are. You can have other experiences multiple times. You just love Once. One may also have a combination of two or more of these feelings.

Over time, as we age, the preferences get more refined, and we no longer rely on just sentiments as compared to during young age, like in teens or in early twenties.

Getting attached is more prevalent than being in love, and about that, we will discuss in the upcoming sections. As of now, let me share my personal experience of being in love so far.

Signs of True Love

Started from friendship without any hidden motive

When I was an undergrad student, I made a best friend. It was the first time I got close to someone from the opposite gender. We both had no objective of any romantic inclination which is why we didn’t try to impress each other and showed the raw versions of ourselves instead. This surprisingly ignited a sense of belonging alongside one another where we would feel safe and validated, deepening the bond over time. This led us to continue the relationship leading to marriage.

Organic, not out of peer pressure

Love is supposed to happen organically. You shouldn’t be in an affair because everyone is into it. It's natural to have a genuine fear of staying single forever, but one must know that forced relationships don’t last. Better to not be in a relationship at all instead of in an unhealthy one.

Compatibility First and Foremost

When compatibility is secondary and the focus is more on things like money, assets, and physical appearance, it serves no long-term purpose. Obviously, you are allowed to have preferences, but if you are careless about the compatibility part it will ruin your future.

Most marriages I have seen so far are more like material love-less marriages. People choose partners purely based on reputation and how to continue holding supremacy. Love is supposed to be beyond that. If someone truly loves somebody, they would love their soul, not their appearance, or power. Other things are just bonus points. Marry someone with potential, the one who concentrates on doing something productive, and motivates you in doing so.

Evolved as individuals and as a couple

My personal experience is that I have significantly evolved as a person over the years. I am not sure how I am perceived by others, or if they have noticed the changes. Nevertheless, my self-worth, self-esteem, and confidence have collectively elevated all thanks to the one I married. He tends to keep pushing me to be a better version of myself. I, on the other hand, do that too. Together as a couple, there are no insecurities or fear of vulnerability or judgment. We both speak up about what is in our minds without fearing rage or being mistreated. This is a green flag for a successful relationship.

It takes a while to know whether you are in love if you happen to interact with someone and that person fits the bill. But here is a thing. Knowing exactly if the person is ‘The One’ takes time and effort. Oftentimes, it’s more likely you will find yourself being emotionally manipulated, stuck in situationships, and wasting your time and energy for the ones who don’t really deserve. Therefore, understanding the red flags in relationships is equally crucial.

The below points indicate my personal experience from the past. These red flags are generalised and not just confined to those seeking romantic partnerships, because psychological manipulation exists everywhere.

Understanding The Red Flags

Agenda behind ‘Stories’

It is natural to develop feelings for somebody who tells us stories about them, especially if it’s personal struggles. It’s humane to empathise with those who had tragedies in their past. It shows that they are strong and resilient enough to conquer their life despite hardships. But not everyone is sharing for the sake of sharing, or to lower their mental burden. What if the stories that you are told are part of The Grand Scheme?

The stories revolve around chaotic homes, parents’ emotional neglect, physical violence, molestation, parental separation, remarriage of one or both parents, remarriage without divorce, incest, financial struggles, death, etc.

The traumatic events that happen to these people could be real or partially fragmented, but the reason why they are telling these stories is usually twisted. They use that victim narrative as a weapon to get other people into their business. They generate sympathy only to being served, demand others to go out of their comfort zone or usual routine, and keep them hooked. It’s no wonder that you will also believe that their struggles are worse than yours. So, be available without questioning their intent and help them.

I have been told grave stories like this that made me empathetic and highly attuned to their needs. I used to think that the reason why personal stories were shared with me was because I and them shared close bonds. Couldn’t see the bigger picture back then, I kept on holding onto these people and served their demands as requested.

If you keep doing as they ask everything is fine. But dare not to refuse no matter the reason, you’d be shunned from their list of close pals, and there begins the drama. If you are already emotionally invested in this friendship, you’ll try to resolve the conflicts. But the thing is, these people aren’t interested in that. They are excellent actors. They have a good sense of humour. When they cry it looks real. The reason why most people get hooked to them for long is because one time they act kind, other times you’d feel you have to walk on eggshells.

Sharing things is not a negative trait though. It’s humanly impossible to bottle up. But you need to be careful on making a judgement whether they are genuine and simply sharing things with you, or you are part of their larger picture as a Lab Rat.

This is how the world works. Everybody wants to use you for their personal gain. But good people exist. How would you know that?

How to test a manipulator's true intentions?

Focus on two things –

1) Notice the period when they share personal details. Did they share it at an early stage of knowing you?

2) Are they asking you for favours soon after? How frequent?

If you still want to know more whether you are being subjected to their drama, refuse some of their favours with believable excuses and look for their reaction.

A genuine person will understand. A good person won’t ask for help unless absolutely necessary. They will sure not demand attention frequently. An inauthentic person with an objective in mind will probably guilt-trip you. They may also show passive-aggressiveness.

Certainly, storytelling is not the only way to keep someone under control. It's a core method but there are trickier ways, harder to grasp and worse to cope up with. Let’s discuss what’s next.

The Love Bombing Trap

I used to have a relative who had a bunch of loyal candidates that she “recruited” herself for her survival. She did this whenever she went to a new city. Now the question arises, what her strategy in the “recruitment drive” was.

She would go out of her way to do things for those people, out of her comfort zone, compliment them a hell lot, buy them things, etc. to the point that one would feel extraordinarily special. The kinds of individuals were those who were already struggling to get recognised for their worth.

When these people started trusting her, she’d ask them for several favours and they wouldn’t deny her at all. At one point, it became more like slavery. If in rare cases they dared to refuse, her response would be slow-burning hellfire.

She would begin to exploit them by provoking reactions out of them, such as by telling them that they were privileged, their struggles weren’t worth it, they were a failure, and so on. She would also constantly compare them with each other that the other party was better than them in some way. The competition would begin subtly. People who weren’t emotionally stable already would react, and looked crazy on a surface level, until they no longer had the wavelength to keep up with the drama.

Not My Monkey, Not my Circus!

It was part of her grand scheme to drop all contacts once she would relocate to another city. Then whether those contacts remained loyal wouldn’t matter. Then repeat and back to square one.

Such roller-coaster rides in relationships create an adrenaline rush, making people crave more, much like a drug. That's why it takes longer to break ties completely. Learning about this behaviour is a gradual process but only when someone wants to see the bigger picture. If you understand the patterns humans aren’t that difficult to understand.

Making new contacts is a good trait. It reflects you don’t hesitate to initiate, and it helps us build networks. Helping people out of their comfort zone sounds instinctive especially in case of emergencies. Compliments are part of good associations. But it has a downside if you aren’t looking for long-term connections.

People will eventually know your real side. Then they may never be able to trust anybody. If people who would go to any lengths to stay loyal to you are betrayed then and there without remorse, their understanding of The World at large is tormented. They develop trust issues and can never fully grasp how real and raw human authenticity without judgment feels like.

How to test a manipulator?

There are ways to detect a manipulator analytically.

Focus on a few things -

1) Always question why they are going out of their way to help you, why they are complimenting you, etc. This should raise more questions if they didn’t before.

2) How big does their asking for favours sound? How do they react if you refuse? Did they really want that job to be done or is it just a way to test your boundaries?

3) Ask them for favours that are not benefitting them. Make it sound like you need those favours. Ask frequently. Are they always available just like you are available?

A genuine person will understand your situation. A toxic individual with clear resentment in their mind will make sure you suffer through their usual circus.

In case if you question their reaction, they might give you excuses why they behaved the way they behaved - Their day was hectic, they were not in a good mood, they had a big fight with someone at the workplace, that acquaintance hates them, everybody hates them, and so on and so forth. A good person will acknowledge their bad behaviour and will make active efforts to make amendments within.

Watch for signs from people around you, anybody literally!

Situations come our way, and we have no practical control over them. But how we respond is who we really are. If you are giving excuses for your bad behaviour, chances are you are the troublemaker.

Pinpointing manipulators oftentimes gets hard. They have a list of strategies they use to get people in their favour. They’d tell you stories, things that you really want to hear, love bomb you, won’t take accountability for their bad behaviour, and so on. Don’t fall for ‘too good to be true’ narrative. It’s all a lie.

A manipulator also behaves their best when everything goes as per their plan. They go to reactive mode so much so that everyone in their close periphery suffers if the situation is unsettling.

Such people remain victims in their stories. Even after 5 or 10 years, they never get empowered. But the chances are, you won’t be in contact with them. After a certain age, their strategy gets evolved and they are harder to identify, but in no way are they going to self-reflect their own actions. It’s never their fault. Their reaction is the key to determining. This is a universal phenomenon.

The below psychological manipulation method sounds silly if a third person views it, but makes someone question their self-worth.

The Breadcrumbs Trap

While I was pursuing my master’s degree, I’d have casual chats with quite a lot of people online. One of them caught my attention. I knew him from childhood and that’s the reason why I initiated contact in the first place. This was not a romantic pursuit. Anyway, for some weeks it used to be interesting conversations. That extended to social media validations, forwarding text messages and such.

Then suddenly he seemed to act on and off. Sometimes he’d respond, sometimes he wouldn’t. I also thought let him stay busy and I wouldn’t initiate anything. Then after 20 or so days he’d text back again. If I texted, he might text back or sometimes he wouldn’t at all. Conversely, I’d always respond to his texts.

This was a deliberate act to keep me under his spell, a perfect way of psychological control. I got confused whether or not he was interested in maintaining that friendship or whatever that was. This is a classic example of breadcrumbing.

Lessons in self-worth

Then one fine day I was very much done and pledged to never contact him again. Here is where I started to prioritise myself and work on my personal growth and self-worth. Never be too available for somebody to the point of losing yourself. I had wasted my life pleasing everybody because the external validation was the holy grail of my survival. I had beaten myself up for giving too much attention to people who didn’t deserve an ounce of my energy. Felt naive for so many years.

But lack of experience does not equate to stupidity, and everything happens for a reason. Take this as an opportunity to learn to love yourself instead of loathing why so and so happened to you. You got evolved and that’s a good thing. A part of me is thankful to that person.

People who are truly interested in talking will come forward. The efforts won’t seem one-sided. I’ve heard similar stories from other people and many shared The Breadcrumbs at some point in their life. This is not gender specific. Some develop a stereotype that girls do that. No, boys also do that. Not all, but some people who are very used to getting attention, may do that.

Love vs (Unhealthy) Attachment

Unhealthy attachment refers to tendencies like co-dependency, inability to function independently, unnecessary insecurity or jealousy, neglecting personal needs, obsessive thinking about a person or an object, unrealistic expectations, and so on.

On the contrary, a person may have an avoidant attachment style when they are hyper-independent and get furious if someone gets too attached to them. It ignites a constant pursuer-distancer cycle where one party is emotionally unavailable and the other appears too needy, causing strong conflicts.

If the attachment isn’t reciprocated as it should, it results in heartbreaks and resentments. It takes just a bunch of interactions that appear genuine on surface level for a person to get attached. The person who is receiving that attachment is most likely not emotionally available.

The History Behind Unhealthy Attachment

Every problem has a root cause. Once you pinpoint that, dealing becomes easier.

Unhealthy attachment stems from unmet childhood needs. If your primary caregivers failed to give you attention and care or were emotionally unavailable, you’d easily get attached to those who give you even an ounce of attention. Those people themselves won’t be available to you for prolonged period of time and then you’ll keep chasing them hoping to be reciprocated. They have their own past trauma to deal with. They run away because they fear getting too close to avoid heartache.

The reason why emotionally unavailable people appear appealing is because this is a familiar territory for a person since childhood. If you are used to being left out, you’ll chase familiar people and continue the pattern of being left out. On the Contrary, available people may sound boring to you.

Beginning of the healing journey

Being aware of this situation is the first step to healing. Ignoring or delaying the process of healing old wounds leads to emotional baggage, repressed anger, chronic stress, anxiety, depression, trust issues, low self-esteem, difficulty forming healthy relationships, emotional numbness, and self-sabotaging behaviors.

In extreme cases, it could lead to serious bullying of fellow people, or even murders. Nearly all criminal activities that happen around the world can be traced back to deep-seated psychological wounds, unresolved trauma, repressed anger, or a lack of emotional regulation, often stemming from childhood neglect, abuse, or prolonged exposure to toxic environments.

Ways to Process Emotional Healing

Certainly, suppressing is not the answer. People often repress their negative experiences and avoid talking about it. This is because the emotions they felt during the actual event resurface back and that makes them truly uncomfortable. But bringing back to the surface is the only way to process it, no matter how old the wounds are or how gruesome the experience might have been.

Therefore, live the experience in your head until it no longer holds power. Therapists often do that while talking to their clients.

I cannot emphasize more on this but read, read, and read!

There are several self-help books available online based on PTSD, complex childhood trauma, etc. written by registered psychologists available in both paperback and Kindle versions. These books help in self-reflection to know the root causes behind why you are the way you are.

Once you know the Why’s, the next step will be How to fix it. First, grasp what exactly you will need to read. Seeking therapy, journaling, guided meditation, physical exercise, are a few other options that collectively work wonders. I do journaling. I don’t publish everything I write.

Putting Healthy Boundaries

If you have spent significant years of your life putting others’ needs first, it’s now time to claim for yours. Learn to say No if there is burnout. Manipulators have plan B and C always put in place if the first option doesn’t work well for them. Your needs are equally important as much as someone else’s. If some people think that it’s selfish, they are the ones who are no longer benefitting from the New You.

Last but not least, make personal associations with only those who match your values. There will be others who will support no matter what and remain part of your life. They’d rather motivate you. So, cherish them.