11 Important Things I Learned in my Late Thirties

Some years ago, I wrote about the life lessons that I learned in my late twenties, not on my own website but on another firm’s where I worked. They gave me freedom to express, and I really explored a lot of topics. So, another idea popped up in my mind lately on why not write about things that I learned in my thirties and compare these two later on to evaluate how much I have done the inner work. It would have been soothing to see changes within all these years. I wanted to write first and then do the comparison.

I wasted my early twenties in blaming people and situations, projections, and rage. My late twenties, too, were filled with insecurities, and past wounds surfacing in waves, and so on. My early thirties have been an emotional rollercoaster, identity crises, flashbacks, and loads of work on self-discovery through introspection and self-reflection, ego death, etc. My mid to late thirties have taught me that no amount of running away solves the problem, but facing it head on does. Then came the acceptance part, which is a work in progress.

Things that I learned in my late thirties

We like (or hate) the narrative about people, not people themselves

Remember your crush back in your teen years, or that one particular colleague whom you respect the most? We shun anything negative about them, including those that are factually correct. It’s because we are swept away by what they show(ed) on the surface level. Except for a very few who might be showing what they truly are, it’s always showtime for most individuals. We love their well-curated, performative self, not the real person hiding behind.

The same goes for the negative bias. This is essentially true in cases of media narratives about celebrities. Think about Rhea Chakraborty, whose character was dumped in the dust after actor Sushant's suicide scenario. We don't know what really happened to them or him personally, so we cannot just accuse her of things she might not have done.

People’s behaviour is their responsibility

I’d like to share a real incident based on behaviours for a clearer understanding of accountability. When I was in tenth grade, a series of events unfolded like The Butterfly Effect, causing significant ripples I didn’t expect.

There was an internal exam whose results were out, and a junior girl asked me my neighbour girl’s score in a particular subject. We all studied in the same school. The difference was that, the one who asked was a curious teen and a classic gossip girl. Wasn’t aware of all this, I spilled the beans that the score wasn’t up to the mark.

The junior girl’s mother, who was also a teacher in the school, called my neighbour girl over the landline phone which was picked up by her dad, who again, wasn’t aware of her scores. Once got the information, he beated her, and she pledged to insult me in front of everyone at school, and she did. When I called the neighbour’s mother, she cursed me as well, blaming me for her husband’s violent tendencies.

Who was responsible for HER father’s behaviour? HE beated her. HE is the one liable for the mess created. If I knew that my action would cause such a chaos, I wouldn't have uttered a word. Such fathers do not deserve children who put pressure, causing fear through threats and noticeable violence. But there she was, a wounded teen, who successfully executed the revenge against me instead of the dad, who clearly was responsible for her miserable life.

Those moments got stuck, frozen in time as if that happened yesterday. A person may typically think that I am too emotional and sensitive, someone who never moves on. To a certain degree, they may be true. Speaking of moving on, let's talk about forgiveness.

Forgiveness is overrated

In general, I am not the kind of person who registers every damn thing in a negative light. But some individuals are the real deal breakers, and I am not talking about a random classmate who snatched my pencil in second grade. Let me explain what nuances I am talking about.

Some humans treat other humans harsher than the rest. More so, there is no obligation or sense of apology at all. Such people shift the blame to the victim or situations, making excuses of their actions, creating drama so much so that the other people watching in silence begin to put pressure on the victim to forget and move on.

This cycle never ends until a boundary is set. The victim eventually turns into a survivor, but the guilt-tripping continues by others as if putting an end to it is a sinister act. The perpetrator continues to alter the narrative over time since time is the greatest shield, and nobody remembers something that happens a couple of decades or so ago. This is an example of emotional abuse and trauma.

The world witnesses it on a daily basis that one person abuses and the other tolerates their BS until either crimes happen or the victim takes courage to voice their plea through support groups. The others remain silent spectators, who would more likely push the victim to embrace that abuse to maintain peace. People who retaliate are targeted for more aggression. This may not end well.

There is this whole journey of surviving whatever happens to a victim. Months and years of anger for not being able to react the way they should’ve, acceptance for whatever happened in the past because the responsibility lies on the one who messed up and it’s not the victim’s fault, annoyance at those who take abuser’s side despite, let’s assume, knowing the truth, and forgive if the mind and body allow at all.

Think about the rape victim who was, maybe, captivated, abused for years, forced to stay silent, and then compelled to move on because it “happened in the past”. This is not helping anybody.

So yes. Forgiveness is sugar-coated and largely supported by ignorant folks who themselves either abruptly seek mind diversion/temporary pleasure via substance abuse to not face their trauma, or were never abused at all.

Healthy Boundaries don’t imply hatred, but are a necessity

Speaking of toxic environments, it is necessary to put healthy boundaries. It doesn’t have to mean that you hate them. It just means you choose peace over chaos. If certain kinds of patterns repeat, the ones I mentioned in my blog “What is Love” in great detail, there comes a point when interacting with exceptionally some individuals becomes more draining than productive.

How about interacting with those with whom you don’t have to perform? It’s overwhelming to keep up with expectations of those who would like to see only your good and manageable parts, and more suffocating to expect things from them in return when they simply don’t have the wavelength to offer. 

There is another category of people who may have treated you right, but you thought you were closer than you actually were. They too need to go. A few of them have a grandiose sense of self-worth, and they’d always behave as if they are ahead of you in some way, and you, your life choices, decisions, etc., are lame. You cannot relate to their life, and they cannot relate to yours. Hence, better part ways.

I have unapologetically stopped interacting with some people and limited my access to some, all because either I felt like an outsider or I felt a substantial lack of compatibility. I personally don’t hate some of them, but we are not on the same page.

Maybe it’s because the more I am getting older, the more I am becoming intolerant to injustice and theatrics. I also feel that since my childhood friend's demise over a year ago, something flipped a switch that I cannot turn off. This is what personal loss does to us. I’d rather live in solitude than deal with people whose presence makes no sense in my life.

Nothing is permanent

Speaking of grievance as a lived experience, I have come to terms with the fact that people leave your life in some way. Either they expire abruptly, or wouldn’t continue to stay connected.

I had encountered really good people, and they suddenly stopped talking, making me clueless about what went wrong. And there is a fair share of introspection to figure that out in the past. What I concluded was that those folks were somehow struggling with something mentally, or didn’t want me to get involved. Nothing that I said or did was hurtful enough to punish me in some way. Hence, it was THEM and not me. This led me to protect myself from further heartbreaks by keeping away from emotional investment. Lesser communication, lesser expectation, zero drama. It's not selfish. It is self-preservation.

I made friends, really great ones, after I stopped expecting anything while having general interaction. Everything felt organic. So, at this point, even if I talk to them once in six months or meet after years, the bond doesn’t fade. It preserves. This is what friendships on your own terms look like.

Circumstances change people

There are situations that alter someone’s personality. Others benefit by evolving into better. The base nature remains the same, but it’s interesting to witness around when we have a fair idea about a person’s life history. Children are like clean slates. Then comes how their parenting is done which could be toxic or nurturing, depending on how their parents are/were.

Another environment that has a significant impact on a child’s mental and emotional development is school where their teachers, and peers treat them in a good or bad way.

On top of everything, there are personal issues like disability, financial crises/homelessness, parental conflicts, alcohol abuse, death of a loved one, etc., that are going to change the entire life’s trajectory.

Now think about someone having all sorts of gloomy experiences, such as from their primary caregivers, bullying from teachers and peers, parental separation, financial loss, alcoholism, loss of a loved one. How are they going to survive if they battle(d) most of the listed setbacks? By becoming a sociopath themselves or getting to the other side where wisdom lives? Whichever it is, it’s not the same person anymore.

Regarding those who choose to become like their abuser, it’s funny to watch tons of folks remaining in rigidity and delusion in whatever they believe. Their inability to self-reflect and develop limited emotional intelligence is massive, and I kind of feel that I really don’t fit in, which brings me to the next subheading.

People are a disappointment

They are conservative. They focus more on IQ rather than EQ, and I know for a fact that both are crucial in considerable amounts. This makes someone like me feel aloof. I’ve been labelled as “too emotional”, “needy”, “crack”, “naive”, and some sort of too-much in whichever area you could think of.

The problem is that their understanding of my profound human experience is very limited.

What were they expecting of me while being mocked, yelled at, and exposed to a series of conflicts that didn’t seem to end in that era? Laugh and party? Wasn’t I supposed to weep for a second? Did that mean that I didn’t have my share of laughter at all? Aren’t humans supposed to have both positive and negative emotions? Why does it make everyone so uncomfortable when it comes to sadness?

Rigid individuals think too plainly. They are more into black and white narrative instead of accepting the nuances that come along when it comes to personalities. The most challenging part? Superiority complex and ego clashes. They’d rather lie than admit that they are mediocre or less.

On top of that, everything they feel should be earned and transactional. It's as if I did something good for you, you owe me. So many people whom I have interacted with have this exact mindset.

Moreover, everybody wants to put each other down in so many areas. Their false sense of supremacy makes me puke. I am assuming that you get the gist of why this world isn’t designed for me, and I question why I am even here, and doing what exactly.

Trust your instincts

From the beginning of my childhood, my instincts would always warn me about a lot of things, and I had a habit to brush it off. For instance, some of my classmates in middle and high school would have a really good image, and everyone liked them. But those people would not treat me kindly. I’d feel bad about this and justify their mean behaviour that they were nice, so maybe something wasn’t right about me instead. One by one, their image shattered by itself and the rest of the world eventually validated what I thought all along.

Another incident I remember from my postgraduate days was when I was in another city far away from my hometown. There was a girl who other three of my flatmates would talk and hang out with, except one person – Me. I felt a negative aura. She would sense that too and would stay away from me as much as she could. Later it turned out that that girl was a fraudster.

Short story, they believed that she designed some clothing as a fashion designer, so they purchased some from her. Later, they discovered that those clothes weren’t designed by her but bought in wholesale from another store, only to be sold in retail. None of those designs was her own creation.

Hence, if your guts tell you that something is off about a person or a situation, I’d put a million dollars on it that you are most certainly right. Do NOT ignore what your intuition is telling you. I’ve spent years ignoring my own. This is why it was easy to be manipulated and gaslit for years. Years and years of betrayal by a lot of people made me paranoid, but also put my instinctual radar well back in place. The above example was when I already learned the hard way.

You cannot control somebody else’s actions but your own

In social media's newsfeed, we often see people getting impulsive, and everyone reacts disproportionally in situations where it's not required to react at all. That generates more reactions, and everything goes out of hand, including physical assaults (mob lynching). So, there are circumstances that are beyond our control, such as someone saying or doing something very inappropriate, quite notable and require immediate reaction to stop it.

In other areas, the matters aren't that big, and people make a mountain out of a molehill. Basically, not all actions should elicit equal reaction, but should be handled by a firm response. For example, if someone says anything mean or mocks you, say, "I don't entertain childish behaviour", then move on and ignore them on their face as if they don't exist. That silent treatment is harder to handle than an actual slap.

Pleasure is not happiness

Some say money buys happiness. Others always invite for a drink whenever there is a celebration. The goal is to keep chasing pleasure instead of finding real joy. So many people buy things they don’t need only to show how rich they are. Alcohol numbs the mind for a while, and many drink it as long as they keep their emotions at bay. This is a key reason for developing addiction.

But happiness isn't supposed to be searched. It's lived and experienced in small moments. The last time I was truly happy was when my baby girl was born after battling years of struggles to get pregnant and a miscarriage. Before that, I was on Cloud nine on the day of my marriage.

I also feel happy when someone else is happy. For instance, I felt joyous when my childhood friend started earning. It was harder for her to get a job compared to others.

It's saddening to see people keep chasing materialistic milestones as a means to stay delightful. That's not more than a temporary ego uplift. I don't mean to say not to earn or have mediocre ambitions, but associating those things solely with happiness will lead to dissatisfaction.

Two truths can co-exist

A lot of us fight about who is right. I see that everywhere. Disagreements on a lot of things without realising that if one's viewpoint is correct, then it doesn't imply that the other party is entirely wrong. I can provide an example to prove that. There used to be a family who were tenants at one of my acquaintances' houses. The couple had two boys. The younger one was physically and mentally disabled. The older one was healthy, and began showing anger and distress over time. Since the younger one clearly needed both parents' attention most hours of the day, it was natural for the older one to feel neglected and left out.

Were those parents wrong about giving their time and attention to the younger one who clearly had needs? The situation demanded that. Did that mean that the older one didn't deserve to be given attention at all? Also not true. So, YES, parents had no other choice than to devote their life to the one who was handicapped, and YES, the older child needed some of their time too, but couldn't.

So many parents don't know how to balance it well. This is not about villainising anyone. Sometimes, circumstances are harsh enough to emotionally torment the family dynamics. We can place fault on stars or the universe or god or whatever, but this is how it is in some conditions.

There are more points I could go on about, but there are two reasons why I am not going further - a.) Too many words sound draining to a reader, no matter how interesting they might be. b.) There are points that would sound judgmental instead of wise. I'd rather say directly instead of writing here.

As promised, I compared this blog with the one I wrote years ago. The old one still looks like a good write-up, I must say. The word count covered was way less, though. The topics in the previous one were based on some of my research on Google, merged with my personal experience. Since that was the company’s website and I had limitations, I fully embraced this time what I truly feel in this one in a more descriptive manner. Cannot help but admit that most of my blogs look more like a personal diary entry!

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

What are the most important life lessons people learn in their thirties?

People in their thirties begin to self-reflect on their early choices and consequences, and work on healthy boundaries to preserve themselves. They learn that everyone's actions are a reflection of their own personalities, and it's not their responsibility if someone else behaves in a certain way. They may also believe in themselves more, such as to follow their instincts.

Why do priorities change as we get older?

During young age, there are many misplaced priorities to which we give our energy. Once a certain age crosses, we begin to realise that those priorities weren't serving us any purpose. For instance, we might find ourselves in situations where we involve too much in others' lives, and that drains our energy. Therefore, we learn to work on things that truly matter. It could be anything, such as focusing on your physical and mental health instead of being the pushover of toxic peers, or your career, hobbies, and interests that need your attention more than ever.

Why does external validation matter less with age?

As children, we are taught to behave well so that our image is maintained, and so is our family's. Therefore, we keep chasing for approvals whether or not we get it, and that continues for many years. To those whose life revolves around performance, it is because they have been used to validation, and they don't know how to take off that mask. There comes a point when it gets exhausting. Others who aren't people's pet are eventually tired of continuing to people-please because most of their tactics don't work anyway, so it becomes pointless. Either way, once we reach a certain age, we no longer depend on that external validation we have spent life to earn it because it is practically impossible to make everyone happy.

Is it normal to outgrow friendships in your thirties?

It is completely normal to have different kinds of friendships as you age. You might find yourself being connected with those who resonate more with you. These people may have similar interests and thinking as you, and they will be emotionally available whenever you need them in times of crises. They won't judge you for your lifestyle or the kind of decisions you make. Even if their area of interest is different, they will not treat you differently. Such friendships are sometimes encountered later in our lives. It's not that early bonding isn't possible. It's just that we are simply lucky to have found such friends at a young age, but with the rest of the world, we tend to build connections based on our real-time experiences and how we process those things.

Can painful experiences become valuable teachers?

This depends on how we process our experiences. Some people become the kind of person they once feared. Some go in the exact opposite direction. Negative experiences in life are capable of teaching lessons, but only when a person is open to think in different angles. Nevertheless, in so many cases, the occurrences could be gruesome enough beyond repair, so we are not in a position to judge people the way they become.