Aren’t You Pregnant Yet? Why Don’t You Have Children? A Question that Society Keeps Asking You!

Have you wondered why things don’t go as planned for some people? My particular objective to highlight in this blog is about getting married and having children. Though you don’t necessarily have to marry to reproduce (pun intended) but that’s what most folks expect from you in this order – get married and have kids. If you question why some people do not have children yet then you are, well, so lucky! You want to know more about them that’s why you are reading this. It is always better to do brief research instead of asking directly. For others, maybe you want to relate to this and you most likely will.

Doctors recommend that the ideal age to procreate for women (and those with uterus) falls between 20 to 30 years. It is not a rocket science to understand that the fertility declines after that but it tends to be faster in women. That’s why they are given the stress of the clock-is-ticking. Do you really think that a typical person always has a choice to get married and have children at the “right age”? What if they want nothing as mentioned above but an independent life in their initial years?

In this blog, we will discuss why some women (and men) do not have children because quite a lot of people are too nosy and insensitive to keep asking.

Reasons why some people aren't sharing good news anytime soon with you:

1. They did not want it: They did not want any of it, whether marriage or children possibly because of career or because they really enjoy their independent single life. Some people choose to get married but they, along with their spouse, decide to remain childfree – a new trend that a socially-conditioned person won’t be able to digest. Some might be in a situation to file for divorce when they are already childless.

Some are not much into children. Others may have a history of traumatic events that made them reluctant to take responsibility. There are people who are not mentally stable (stress/anxiety/depression) enough for wanting a child in their life. There can be countless reasons as to why they are not fond of pregnancy and childbirth.

2. Financial crisis: It’s no wonder that everything we see around is expensive. A child too will require to be fed, taken care of, be educated, and what not. Everything brings a huge amount of expenses that a person or a couple may not afford at a given moment. If this situation changes, their decision may change as well.

Some couples are more into career and traveling during initial years of their marriage because children having that soon seems like a burden to them. If they are the ones who are going to pay for everything, they are to decide whether it’s the right time. Period.

3. Infertility: Whether one believes it or not, infertility is quite prominent. About 1/3 of the world population has it. A woman may face hormonal imbalance, PCOD/PCOS, thyroid issues, low AMH (ovarian reserve), low egg quality, endometriosis, acidic vaginal walls, blocked fallopian tube(s), etc.

A man may experience low sperm count, azoospermia (no sperm count), low sperm motility, low semen volume, and so on. Both kinds of situations cannot lead to pregnancy. There can be instances when the fertilization occurs but the formed zygote does not implant itself to the lining of uterus and hence pregnancy isn’t confirmed. You won’t even identify this issue unless you go through several cycles of In-Vitro Fertilization.

4. No savings to invest in fertility treatments: Fertility treatments are costly affair and downright depressing. Period. It doesn’t directly start with IVF. It first starts with follicular study. Then it reaches to some pills and shots to trigger ovulation and/or to release more than one eggs so as to increase the chances of fertilization; tests like HSG to get an idea if the fallopian tubes are working fine, diagnostic laparoscopy (a minor surgery to get the exact picture of cysts or anything else that’s obstructing fertilization); IUI (artificial insemination), and then finally IVF. None of these treatments guarantee results.

As per TEDx Talks, IVF had a global failure rate of 77% in 2012. That means, Out of 100, about 23 women would be able to conceive through IVF in one cycle. Now imagine how many cycles you might require to get a success? Also, you might never conceive even after going through 5 cycles. Plus note that conception does NOT guarantee you Live birth. You might miscarry in between. So, your money, patience to wait, time, energy, physical health, etc. all went in vain with absolute nothing at the end. You could actually buy a land or property with this money should you invested elsewhere instead of that so-called treatment.

A person who hasn't experienced this yet might suggest you to go for adoption instead of wasting your time for In-Vitro. Most people want to experience the joy of getting pregnant, feeling the movements of their unborn child, and birthing them just like any other regular person. Adoption cannot miraculously make you happy. Those who want to adopt would not wait for infertility and will adopt anyway, actresses Sushmita Sen, Raveena Tandon, and Sunny Leone, for example.

5. No partner: A lot of times people end up being alone because nobody they ever dated was serious enough to settle with. And even if they did find a suitable match, those people might not want a child with you maybe because they already have children with their previous partners and/or had vasectomy.

Even in conservative countries like India, people aren’t able to marry in arranged-marriage settings due to education and career, and demands about their wants and needs they would like to see in a potential partner. Raising a child alone is too expensive for most people (and a matter of shame, pun intended!), even in case they want to adopt. The result – no marriage and hence no child.

6. Terminal illness: You cannot ignore the fact that terminal illness like Cancer is on the rise. If someone, married or not, is diagnosed with malignant tumour like this, they cannot afford to have a child of their own. They need to first recover from their illness then only proceed after a couple of years or so to make sure that the one who is carrying the child is healthy enough. This time period can give the idea that the Cancer hasn’t relapsed either.

There can be the case that a man has the cancer and woman doesn’t. The health of his sperms matters as well, AND generally BOTH parties want to be in a child’s life, and be physically, emotionally, and financially present.

7. History of several miscarriages/stillbirth/death of an infant: A miscarriage is one of the most traumatic event in a couple’s life whether or not they talk about it. Usually it is a “hush-hush” topic and they cannot even share their grievance to somebody else because nobody gets it. It does not matter how far along a pregnancy went it always hurts exactly like a death of a known loving person. The amount of blood and tissues in a miscarriage is huge enough to keep a forever scar.

Stillbirth implies to delivering a dead baby. Any pregnancy that is over 20 weeks and a woman who delivers the baby past that due to certain complications refers to stillbirth. In some cases, the baby is successfully delivered but dies after a few days or weeks due to birth defects or SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome).

Some miscarriages do not cease to exist. People literally miscarry like 5 or 12 times and eventually lose all hopes to ever have a live birth. On the other hand, some couples are never be able to move on from their child’s death as they do not want to have another heartbreak. Need I explain more?

8. Hysterectomy: It refers to removing the uterus and/or cervix/ovaries/fallopian tubes. Situations like severe degree of pain due to fibroids or stage 4 endometriosis or cancer can make someone’s life hell enough to take such a decision. The above-mentioned issues can show up in someone’s life during their most fertile years and prevent them to conceive in the first place. The symptoms are painful as well. I’m not a doctor so I don’t know what more reasons there could possibly be for a patient to be recommended removing their uteruses, but surely that’s the last resort for people without children that even doctors know. Therefore, they have to swallow the hard pill and remove it.

Hysterectomy cannot be reversed and a person can never have an offspring naturally. They might be able to if they don’t have a uterus but do have ovaries and fallopian tubes using In-Vitro and surrogacy. But that again snatches so much of money and energy with no guaranteed results, so I don’t think a couple wants that kind of route again.

The whole notion of being optimistic and "keeping the faith" is so ridiculously fed into everyone's mind that people often forget that failure exists. It's just like you never got to purchase that expensive car no matter how hard you tried to earn.

Now, how do I know all of this? Maybe I empathise better and do my own research instead of judging or poking my nose!

I would like everyone to know that the journey of infertility might or might NOT end up getting pregnant and have a live birth. Though given above situations, some people are certain that their journey has actually ended. But the point is that, you don’t know. You have no idea about their pain or how much they are suffering. So, stop questioning for once, for heaven’s sake!

Infertility sometimes may also result in divorce, while in some cases it brings the couples closer. Nevertheless, it changes a person permanently. A person that you used to know before marriage or during their initial years of marriage may not appear the same after facing childlessness. They are so scarred and might be highly depressed to the point of suicide. If they are not suicidal, they may not have the wish to live longer.

It takes just nine months for some and a lifetime for others without a guarantee.

If you are finding joy in others’ miserable life then I pity you. Stooping that low indicates that your life sucks as well even with children.

It requires immense guts to talk about situations like this. The entire world makes assumptions and judges the moment your life does not look the way it should look.

They should be having a child by now because the time is ticking. Or they should go see a doctor if they are having trouble having one. Guess what! They KNOW more than you will ever know. I bet you wouldn’t even know how entire menstrual cycle or fertilization works or what obstructs it unless you experience it yourself. Minding one’s own business doesn’t hurt, really, but asking such insensitive question does!