Do you not have children yet? Why don’t you just adopt?

Struggling to conceive for years? Why don’t you just adopt a child? You will help an orphan to get a healthy household. He or she would be so obliged. Wouldn’t it be great! This is the most common question that is usually asked to couples who struggle to get pregnant. Their real struggle is often neglected and they are judged for not including themselves in the welfare of the society, adopting being one of them.

Why are childless people expected to adopt despite that anyone is eligible to do that, being in a good physical, mental, and financial position, AND despite having biological kids? Without even knowing the whole procedure how it all works, what the expenses it may require, waiting period, you simply, out of nowhere, judge a person’s natural instinct to procreate exactly the way you possibly would.

"But, You can always adopt!"

Now, first and foremost, one needs to understand that trying to conceive and adopting are entirely two different routes. People just do not change their mind overnight because one particular thing doesn’t work for them. Legitimately, adopting a child crosses their mind and they think about pros and cons of adoption, but most people would rather buy a dog, cat, or a bird instead. There are countless reasons as to why people do not consider adoption. So, let’s dig deeper into that.

8 Reasons Why People Do Not Adopt an Orphan Child

1. They wanted to get pregnant like the rest of the world: Right from the beginning, most people always imagine themselves to get married and have children the conventional way. They hear stories how a baby moves inside the womb or how it feels, the entire childbirth experience, and they want to be part of this story.

If somebody wants to adopt, the idea comes in their mind years before their marriage, not as a result of infertility. I know few people who already made in their mind that they would adopt at least one child in their life. Such people also consider discussing this with potential candidates they look for in arranged-marriage settings, or with whoever they date. To those who have been trying for months or years expect that someday they will share this good news the way it is supposed to be.

In-vitro is not the very first thing that comes into their mind. They have already been into the loop of several medical methods and shattered hopes, and IVF is their last resort. All thanks to marketing gimmicks that induce so much of (read “toxic”) positivity that they are ready to take all the financial, emotional, and physical risks involved.

2. Genetic inclination: This may be genetic but a lot of couples dream about having an offspring that belongs to them AND their partner. This is because they have some good traits they want to pass down to next generation and they believe that their partner also has some unique traits. Their combination should be a perfect match in their world. This might sound naïve and I am not sure how many people have this thing in mind but I can assure with certainty that this is way common, especially in those who are so in love with each other for many years.

You won’t believe it but not being able to conceive actually makes two loving partners drift apart, sometimes even to the edge of divorce. While others might grow as two mature adults without children, towards acceptance of their situation, this is not something that every couple is going to ever make peace with. The journey is downright depressing, even suicidal at times!

3. Adoption does not miraculously cure their pain of infertility: Imagine picturing yourself as the one who eventually gets pregnant like your sister, cousin, or colleague with absolutely no hurdles. Now come back to reality, which is, you have been trying for couple of years or more by tracking your ovulation, timing your intercourse, taking all possible pills and injections your doctor prescribes and yet end up having no results. How should anyone feel by being in this situation? Being left-out, eh!

Even if somebody actually adopts, it won’t cure their pain and trauma of not being able to conceive. It is always a good idea to not see adoption as a means to fill your void. If so, you will be so dissatisfied with your life in general.

4. Both parties are not equally willing: This point is about couples. Sometimes, one of them isn’t keen in adoption. The reason could be many. As stated earlier, most humans are wired to have and love their own. They suspect that their adopted kid might have unwelcome genetic traits. One party might also think about donor sperm or egg because of the same reason. They are always inclined to have their own offspring. The donor egg or sperm is usually suggested to those who have biological issues, and another person is termed as medically fine.

5. Most couples prefer a new born: I had heard a few times from people who were struggling that they would always prefer a newborn or someone who is less than two years old over a five-year-old or a teenager. This is because the child would be easier to teach and be disciplined.

Additionally, older the child is, more dreaded life experience they might have encountered already. Many children who live in orphanages are traumatic children with a history of physical and/or mental abuse. Dealing with such children requires a great deal of effort to help them move on and lead a better life. This can happen only if parents have certain degree of maturity to understand mental health.

Secondly, newborns aren’t available because a child needs to be declared free for legal adoption through Child Welfare Committee under Juvenile Justice (Care and Protection) Act, 2015. This takes at least two months to be registered. A child, right after the birth may not be considered for registering. More information I’ve shared in my another blog – Child Adoption Procedure in India.

"Many children who live in orphanages are traumatic children with a history of physical and/or mental abuse."

6. Too long paperwork and waiting that is followed: There is no said limit that might take. On an average, they say it takes about couple of years to finally get the child. But that may also extend more if you had put some preferences like the child should belong to a certain state province, gender, age group, skin colour, religion, medical condition, etc. If someone wants to wait less, they need to avoid to have a list of criteria. You can opt for Immediate Placement or Special Needs category to lessen the wait.

There are less children available than more waiting parents which makes the procedure even longer. The few options of children given may not be chosen by the Prospective Adoptive Parents (PAPs). So, each time the website gives them options of children with photos and other necessary information, they reject those option and wait for another couple of months for more options.

7. Expensive affair: As stated earlier, adoption is too expensive in developed countries. So, even though I am focusing just on India, I cannot ignore that there are couples out there who desperately want to but cannot. There is a broad range of couples who either wanted it from the beginning or those who choose to adopt after battling infertility.

For those who took route of medical treatments before are already very deprived of money. This usually is not covered by the medical insurance either, hence any expense that follows is all upon the people.

8. One could be rejected if they do not fit the eligibility criteria: There are certain rules that need to be followed, such as age limit, compatibility with spouse, number of biological children (if they have), and so on. If they don’t seem fit then the person(s) is/are not considered to go for further procedures, which is heart-breaking. Obviously, what would they do if they were rejected by the social worker or while even registering on the website?

Childlessness not necessarily is the result of infertility

If a couple has no kids at a moment, one would likely think that they are struggling to conceive. Nevertheless, a lot of times people face multiple miscarriages, meaning, that they have no issues in getting pregnant but maintaining it. So, naturally they have no living children but they keep hoping that one day they will finally welcome their offspring. This keeps them trying for as long as 10 years. They believe that they can. The problem with the world is that everyone wants to judge based on what is black and white and make assumptions. Legitimately, you cannot know their struggles because they won’t share with you. This gives you an opportunity to assume.

People will say stuff anyway

There will always be folks who love to put snap remarks on quite much everyone. You produce five children or none, go for IVF or the route of adoption, they will always have a say on private matters like this because their own life sucks. Putting others down is their way to feel uplifted.

There are people on this planet who have no fertility issues and they keep on producing 5 or 10 children. If you go ask them why, their instant reply would be “We just love children and large families”. The moment they say this, you must ask them, “Why don’t you adopt some kids if you love them so much?”. They would give you countless excuses why they wouldn’t. Basically, they love their own offspring, not someone else’s.

You cannot accuse a childless couple for being selfish when their only desire is to have at least one child of their own when they witness the world reproducing like 3 or 5 so effortlessly. They would happily go to any lengths to have such an experience and legitimately they are entitled to have such desires. Those who have never gone through this are in no position to put labels on people. Not your body, not your business!

Adoption is an option that every couple thinks about and not everyone would actually do this. Why not take a moment and validate people’s feelings exactly the way it is? Did they adopt? Fine. Didn’t? Fine as well.

People who do not want to legally adopt cannot make good parents anyway. Even biological children have a list of complaints about their caretakers what they did or didn’t do to them. An adopted child will have this immense pressure to always feel thankful to the couple whether or not the parents turned out to be abusive. It’s a hard job and definitely not rainbows and unicorns. The positive experience would be for those who selflessly did all their duties with all kinds of love and nurture even if that required too much of work because they wanted it right from the beginning. You must appreciate those who do. And still respect those who didn't.