Breaking the Silence on International Women’s Day: The Truth About Sexual Violence and Rape Culture How to Deal with it

A couple of weeks ago, I saw this theme in a newspaper about women and girls whether they are safe, how far we have come, or to how much extent. Every year it is common when International Women’s Day is about to arrive. As usual, they showed some surveys indicating the percentage of reported crimes that happen every hour among different states in the country. They aimed to bring light on the matter and how to deal with it.

I didn’t go through the survey. I have been reading about this all my life and have completely detached from any negative news like this. It is cliché – crimes occur in different age groups, which Indian states, percentage of increment, responsible factors, and so on. Then goes the debate whether those incidents are true or not, or what to do about it.

When some years ago #metoo movement caught the spotlight after a Hollywood actress accused her producer of sexually harassing her, all hell broke loose. Several thousands of women came forward and accused that same producer. Later, plenty of others joined this movement on social media. I am sure most of them were honest about their experiences, except a handful few. Even Bollywood actresses had stepped up and shared their stories.

It is not a good idea to focus on 1% of fake accusations and ignore the rest 99%. There are several forms of sexual offences occur around the world and no single girl and woman has been spared. The magnitude of real unreported cases outweighs the fake cases that go reported.

Speaking of almost every girl and woman in the corner, what were the chances that I was spared in the midst of growing up? How many would actually tell their stories? If my experience brings some amount of empowerment to a scared woman in the corner, who might then speak up, I would feel that my objective is fulfilled.

My personal experience of molestation as a child and as an adult

I have experienced several encounters like this in my life to date. Sometimes in public buses or trains being groped, other times cat-called by a group of boys/men, objectified, sl*t-shamed, so much so that I have developed immunity to such remarks or behaviours. Each time I had faced such things I would be frozen and stood still, and extremely guilty the next time for not calling it out. Finally, there was a time I remember shouting at a stranger on a bus after he touched and pressed my front area.

The very first time I was objectified was when I was in third grade by an autorickshaw driver, the one who would pick us children from our homes to drop us at school and vice versa. He would continuously look at me using his rear-view mirror, sometimes touched my head using his head. Sometimes he would sing songs, and stuff like that. I complained about this to my parents and my father scolded him. He didn’t completely stop but avoided certain things.

I was still in third grade when I first met one of my friends’ father. There was this tree in my school’s premises just outside the principal’s office where I was waiting for our autorickshaw to arrive in which I was supposed to go home.

Since day one, I had this eerily feeling that something was seriously wrong about this man. He was talking and touching my head, and shoulders playfully. My guts were screaming through the roof, my anxiety, my nervous system were all on fire as if my soul already knew what was coming. As a child, I didn’t have words or awareness to articulate what exactly was the issue, but every time I would see him, my heart would race.

Whenever he would come to pick her up after school was over, he'd give this intense stare at me as if he wanted to do something, creeping into my spine. If I happened to come closer while interacting with her, he would sometimes hold my hands very tightly and wouldn’t let me go. On other days, he opened my perfectly put ribbon making my hair messy. Every other day I’d try my best to camouflage among a bunch of schoolmates coming out of the gates, but he could notice me from a mile’s distance. It was almost always certain that I could never escape his hawk-like eyes. He just watched. I cannot describe this in words how scared I was every day. This went on for some years until one day when I was around 12+ years old. I was in her home due to school-related work.

When other family members were not in the close proximity, his opportunistic self couldn’t resist. Sitting on a bed, he forcibly put me on his left lap. I froze as if something terrible was going to happen. Then he brought his head extremely close and whispered in my ear “Why are you so afraid of me? I am not going to do anything!”. I was crying the entire time. He was all composed, unaffected, unbothered looking at my expressions as if it meant nothing. He ki$$ed despite my clear reluctance.

He then let me stand up. While I was standing, his left hand was on my back which was swiftly moving downwards. He squeezed my behind and then let me go. I continued crying and wanted to leave that place. He then dropped me to my home.

Nobody knew about this as I kept silent for years. This event fractured my soul, and crushed my spirit. It decided the very foundation of how I was about to view people of the opposite gender. For many, many years, I used to be afraid the moment I went outside of my house. I also interacted very little with boys.

My optimism shrunk. The only thing that kept me going in the coming years was thinking - it could have been worse. Children who do not go through ‘worse’ may be labelled as somewhat luckier, but imagine the damage it had caused inside the mind of a little girl who was in constant fear as if anything could happen anytime and she would be helpless. She does not exist anymore. The one who s*xually assaulted her remained in the shadows, probably with a good public image.

Somebody who is nearly the same age as my father, should I have trusted him to guard me in his house premises, or run away for my life? 

I continued the contact through phone calls and did not visit them for a couple of years. When I finally went, I shouted at him since he could not keep himself away from me even in the presence of other adults. He successfully portrayed this as a friendly gesture, and his wife told him to ‘not pull her leg’.

For several years he kept at a distance and I could finally breathe. With time, I had an impression that he might not be the same person due to time and age, and this was the biggest mistake I ever made. He was looking for opportunities all these years but didn’t get any. He blatantly crossed boundaries again among a bunch of people repeatedly as he knew I wouldn’t react. He did this without any mercy as if releasing his frustration upon me.

This person violated my body boundaries multiple times without a hint of remorse. He still walks unapologetically with his head held high. And I am pretty sure I couldn’t be the only one who he likely targeted. There could be other kids who never came forward like me. Is he a paedophile? My later encounter says otherwise. Could he still be doing that? Possibly yes.

Perpetrators thrive in the silence of their victims especially under public scrutiny. They can successfully gaslight and change the entire narrative in their favour if the victims overreact, for reading between the lines for seemingly “harmless” gestures from a father-like figure.

Whose fault is it? My fault that I kept mute all these years? The family members who probably ignored the signs? Or is he too clever to mask that nobody ever suspected anything? Or was it just my fate?

Signs of a Molester

Sexual abusers have obvious tell-tale signs, visible cues that their family chooses to ignore either due to maintaining the peace, or fear of being the target of more abuse and drama at home.

Molesters don’t just molest. They have many abusive tendencies such as follows:

1. Lewd remarks about somebody

2. Objectification of other teenagers and adults

3. Physical violence at home

4. Emotional abuse towards spouse and children

5. Unexplainable fondness for (a) (particular) child(ren)

If paid closer attention, they have questionable habits like involving too much in a child’s activities, unnecessary touching, lingering hugs, or excessive physical affection towards the child, taking the child to a far, secluded place in the name of ‘play area’ in an attempt to isolate them.

It doesn’t matter what reputation they maintain in the community, their real self is bare open at home and yet no one would interrogate or confront them. Not getting caught due to people’s ignorance, they shamelessly walk, thereby blending among crowd like a common folk.

Ignorance is bliss!

Why molestation and rape happen despite strong laws?

The law is there and there is no enforcement because there is a bigger problem known as Rape Culture. It is a certain kind of collective mindset that has been so deeply ingrained in people’s psyche that rectifying this issue is nearly impossible.

What is a Rape Culture?

If any kind of sexual offence happens to girls, they rather blame the victim instead of putting pressure on law enforcement to punish the perpetrator severely. People in the community don’t even socially boycott the convict. They treat the case as if it’s normal for men and boys to have urges and that women and girls should be within their limits such as keeping at a distance, not wearing revealing clothing, etc.

An Example of Rape Culture

I remember an old couple who fired their male house-help because he was caught red-handed with another house-help’s preteen girl child, almost on the edge of doing something inappropriate. When the female house-help left and relocated to her village, they re-hired the male house-help back.

What does it subtly convey? The man who was hired back again would think whatever he did wasn’t that bad and could be forgiven.

What causes Rape Culture? 

Reasons of Rape Culture – Sexism

Sexism and rape culture are intertwined. Sexism exists because of rape culture and vice versa. From the very basic such as keeping double standards while raising children eventually lead to rape culture, for instance:

Girls are not allowed to go out every day. Sometimes we think that it’s easier for financially privileged girls compared to those who aren’t but that is contextual. Some may argue that I am talking about 1950s because they have been forward thinkers for generations. But come to the ground reality and check people of all backgrounds. Even in my hometown, there are people who go to clubbing every weekend, and there are those families where daughters-in-law still cover their heads. Back to the point, girls regardless of their age still have to answer their families where they are going and when they will likely return back.

Boys go out and return late with their friends and nobody raises eyebrows. I remember as a child how other boys, cousins, uncles, etc. were always “out with friends” throughout the day without giving any clue of their whereabouts. This is regardless of their age since they are teenagers. Whether they are under good or bad influence isn’t a concern for anybody. If he is safe, she is lucky!

In case she likes someone to marry in future, she needs to answer whether she had established physical relationship or not. He doesn’t have to answer that. She needs to keep her affair in secrecy, and he doesn’t need to.

Sexism is part of the problem. If parents are enforcing double standards while raising their kids of two different sexes, it is natural to expect that boys will subtly take role of authority, and in extremes, toxic masculinity, and dominance.

In environments where gender roles are predefined, where children grow up and look up to their parents doing gender-specific tasks, what degree of empathy are we expecting from them?

Will a growing boy empathise with his mother being the victim of violence from his father, if there is? Or will he become like his father?

Psychology of a rapist – whether they regret or not?

Sexual offenders of all kinds never regret their sins. Even murderers regret at some point, except clinically proven sociopaths or psychopaths. Hence, rapists and all kinds of sexual offenders need to be put in jail or hanged until death. They should not be set free. They are not going to change since they have no moral compass, and no regards for personal damage. That’s why making a law and enforcing it are two different aspects.

If I am aware of some people who are predators and yet roaming free, how many could be in our close vicinity without our knowledge I am afraid. They may not always be directly targeting but gaining their target victim’s confidence through ‘grooming’.

What is Grooming?

Grooming is a technique in which the perpetrator systematically gains enough trust from the target victim, usually children, using gestures like bringing chocolates/gifts, playing, helping them in homework, spending quality time, etc. Once they gain that trust, they abuse them later. It is commonly used among children of both genders, but girls are more likely under the radar.

Sometimes they don’t just groom the child, but the entire family and community by being charming, kind, and helpful. This wouldn’t raise suspicion in case the child begins to recognise and raise voice against ongoing abuse. Nobody will believe the child.

How to deal with it?

Parents should always be aware that nobody can be remotely trusted with their child no matter how convincing the other caretaker sounds. We need to empower children so that they identify and gather enough courage to fight back. This could be begun by introducing Consent aka Good Touch and Bad Touch to young children.

What is good touch and bad touch?

I once watched a show Satyamev Jayate, in which they instigated “good touch” and “bad touch” for the first time that we need to teach to children once they reach a certain age, and everyone who watched it appreciated that idea. It was indeed a welcoming move to educate the new generation that silence is not the answer, that always be wary of the red flags, and ways to deal with it.

But there is a little setback in this approach. If a child is naturally unable to speak up due to psychological factors, how would they scream or run away? They should be confident enough to act out. How do we ensure that they won’t possibly freeze or fawn, but rather choose to fight or flight?

Consent begins from home

I was once watching in YouTube a TEDx episode led by Swati Jagdish (Maya’s Amma) regarding consent that how we unknowingly teach our children that their No has no value.

When we force-feed a child even if their stomach is full, the child learns that they have to let others dictate about this small decision. They no longer rely on their own natural instinct. If they cannot decide whether they should or shouldn’t refuse to eat, how would they refuse a person who wants to take advantage of them?

And this hit me hard. I spent some days introspecting this very little detail that most of us miss. Indians, without a second thought, force-feed their children and grandchildren. They don’t understand that the child naturally understands their own hunger cues.

Consent starts from home, from very minute day-to-day learning. Since kids are constantly processing information from their environment, we should be aware of what we are feeding in their subconscious. Once we prepare the child to make their own decision, they will be able to act even in case of panic.

In case, something does happen, one must proceed with a formal FIR even if the perpetrator is an acquaintance or a relative.

If I am speaking up my story after over two decades, does that make me a liar? Do you really expect assertiveness from a preteen, timid child years ago? I don’t have evidence to prove my stance and that puts me in suspicion, but the truth doesn’t change. It is there. There are other stories and most of us get to know while talking to each other. Someone's uncle or cousin, someone's friend's father, are way common than one might expect.

There are millions of stories that most of us never get to know because the victims stayed silent and never complained out of fear of being misunderstood.

Why don’t many women register their complaints?

There are several reasons why a woman (or parents of minors) wouldn’t file for an FIR. The following are the most common ones:

• Fear of being misunderstood, questions about false allegations 

• Even if the perpetrator is guilty, he would be set free due to lack of evidence, or political backing leading to more threats or actual crimes

• Fear of social boycott, potentially leading to lack of marriage prospects for herself or her relatives

• Fear of gaslighting when people don’t get convinced or unable to grasp the gravity of the situation

• Fear of projection of the perpetrator who changes narrative as if she was deliberately attracting him

• The law enforcement officials taking it lightly and don’t listen, probably trying to settle the matter

  
  

Influential people are riskier to mess with even if they are at fault. People who have financial and political support easily escape from law and order. Lots of people go to any lengths to maintain their well-crafted public image, and that includes constantly feeding lies using specific narratives.

Ever wondered why someone would do charity and make an announcement about it?

I want to teach my daughter how to survive in this merciless world. I also don’t want her to go to extremes to become that individual. I will ensure that she does not become like me as it took me years to gather courage after brutal experiences.

Shy and introverted beings are a favourite target of bullies and predators alike since they struggle to express themselves. And this is a dangerous weakness. I will go to extreme lengths, if need be, to train my child to be fearless. But I am not staying silent.

Even though the ship has sailed I ensure that I won’t let the future encounter with my molester unfold this way. If the situation demands or forces me to see this person, I will lash out and not allow him to come near me. I dread his existence, and I am never going to forgive him.

If I can’t do justice to myself, how would I instil fearlessness in my daughter if a similar situation arises in her case?